Put the relationship first: choose a "working with" as opposed to a "doing to" response. Reconsider your requests: before searching for some method to get kids to do what we tell them, we should first take the time to rethink the value or necessity of our requests. The more we say "Good job!" the worse the child comes to feel about themselves, and the more praise they need.īe reflective: try to figure out what may be driving your parenting style.
That's a powerful way of undermining self-esteem. The child comes to see their "whole self" as good only when they please the parent. It's very easy for children to infer from a pattern of selective reinforcement that we approve of them only when he does the things we like.Ĭhildren's sense of their competence, and perhaps of their worth, may come to rise or fall as a result of our reaction. Instead of "I love you," what praise may communicate is "I love you because you've done well." "Good job" isn't a description, it's a judgment.
Partly because they become less likely to take risks - a prerequisite for creativity - once they start thinking about how to keep those positive comments coming. Partly because people's interest in what they're doing may have declined (because now the main goal is to get more praise). Praise creates pressure to "keep up the good work" that gets in the way of doing so.
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